Breaking thru Beautifully...

When life happens and all you want to do is cry, come join me on my little adventure...for after all, sometimes, it's just about breaking thru it all....beautifully.

Archives for January 2015

Now that I’m here…

It’s been two weeks since I started this blog. No one has read it. (I haven’t shared it with anyone…)

So, I guess you could say I’m writing to myself.

Life has continued, and so far no more mental breakdown!

Instead, I’ve spent a lot of time working…and thinking…and trying to figure out some things.

Will my job be the end of me?

Will my children ever get their acts together?

Am I asking too much? Too much of them? Of myself?

Last night I lay in my bed, sicker than a dog, just praying for sleep. And of course, my brain went on and on and I started thinking about my daughter and the wedding, and my sons and their issues and my adopted daughter and will she ever accept me.

And then, I just shouted out loud in my head, “God…you really suck right now.”

And of course, I then felt really guilty and expected to be struck down with lightening right then and there.

When that didn’t immediately happen, I found myself asking Him if it was ok that I felt that way. He didn’t really answer me, but I figure He understands me and what is going thru my head, so I’ll just keep on plugging on, one day at a time.

And trying to break thru these ponders of mine…one day at a time…beautifully.

 

 

 

Breaking thru… Beautifully (or not!)

2014…it wasn’t a a great year. We suffered some great losses and at times felt like we’d barely make it through. But, there was joy and celebration as well. My daughter became engaged and we spent much of our time planning the wedding celebration. Then, as the year came to a close, more bad news, more health issues, more struggles…and honestly, I couldn’t wait for 2015. It just had to get better, right?

Only, it wasn’t. It isn’t.

If someone were to ask me today, “Hey, how’s it going?” I’d be moved to tears. I’ve cried more in the past few weeks, in the past few days, then I have in a lifetime.

Or so it seems.

Let me just recap…

Since New Year’s day….one of my favorite family members has been diagnosed with uterine cancer. She’s the one family member that gets me…that sticks with me, up for me and loves me unconditionally.

My mom is well…honestly, I don’t even know. My dad is at a loss as to how to deal with her and I truly believe she must be suffering from the early signs of dementia. The stress of worrying about your parents who live a full day’s drive away is almost unbearable at times.

The wedding has now been called off…postponed…indefinitely. My daughter seems to be in shock, the groom is trying to deal and the family is just…functioning. And so we pick up the pieces. One phone call at a time….

The poor Hobby Lobby lady was wonderful when I broke into tears over the phone and asked if we could get a refund on the items we’d been purchasing. And she was wonderful when we came in with bag after bag of items. It was a strange, numbing kind of moment.

I haven’t slept in weeks. One, because of my health, and two…I’m sure because of the stress. When my best friend called to check in on me today, I had to ask….could I also possibly be starting menopause?

You see, in addition to the steroids for my neck injury (did I mention that?) and the stress that seems to be compounding, I’ve also found myself unable to sleep. I often wake up in the middle of the night sweating or just really, REALLY hot! I’m pretty sure these aren’t the hot flashes that I’ve witnessed in others, but….they’re enough to keep me up, wake me up and make me change PJ’s in the middle of the night. UGH!

But…there are also benefits…I now only have to shave my legs once a week!

I’ve started a new Bible study….”My Spirit, My Responsibility.” I’m really enjoying it…it seems to be about the only thing that is keeping me grounded right now.

That…and the women in my life who get it.

I’ve been a blogger for years…however I’ve always been careful what I blog in order to protect my family. But I feel I have a lot to share…..maybe I just need to get some things off my chest, maybe I can help someone….maybe I can offer a little laughter thru a little tears….

I’m not sure, but I do know one thing….instead of breaking down, I think I’ll try and break thru….one day at a time, and hopefully, I’ll manage to do it beautifully.

Archives