Broken

There’s a song, “Bring the Rain” by Mercy Me. There was a time when I listened to it on a daily basis. It’s funny how a certain song can just be what you need to get you thru.

Today was not an easy day. First of all, it was a Physical Therapy day for me. They are never easy, but I hear it will all be better if I just hang tough.

It was day two of our radical therapy. The idea is to force an attachment. But how do you force someone to attach to you if they just aren’t that interested? Maybe she is; I honestly just don’t know. After yesterday when she realized her outside socialization had been greatly diminished, I received a letter. I’m choosing to see it as her making a positive change rather than manipulation to get what she wants. And yet, I still didn’t do all I was supposed to. I’m supposed to keep her by my side as much as possible. And I tried…but her shower took forever, and her hair took forever and there was never time for our ten minutes of coloring. Instead there was her doing everything possible to delay spending any more than the necessary amount of time with me.

Reactive Attachment Disorder. **sigh**

It’s funny how you believe you can handle anything….and then realize that perhaps, you can’t. You think you’re prepared…and find out you aren’t.

Parenthood is a lot harder than I could have ever dreamed. My son is sick. He hurts. And no one can figure out why. I think if we could just have a reason, then perhaps we could deal. Perhaps we could find some miracle drug to end his suffering once and for all. But we can’t.

Someone said to me today, “I feel broken…”

Yes.

And I’m a fixer. I like to fix things. And yet I can’t…so I’ll just keep trying, one day at a time, and hopefully, I’ll figure out to break thru…beautifully.

Here’s the song I listen to these days…