Head in the Sand…

Lately, I’ve take the role of what I like to call my “head in the sand” moments. It’s kind of peaceful with my daughter being away in treatment. There aren’t daily fights. I’m not constantly on edge. I’m not waiting for the next thing to be destroyed. I can just be.

She’s been gone for three weeks. And she seems quite adjusted and very happy. We had one hysterical phone call…and the rest have been all sunshine and roses.

She is honeymooning and doesn’t have to deal.

I must be doing the same thing.

Or at least I was…until her last phone call.

It started out so innocent…and then, she reminded me that this is not her home. And she reminded me that I am not her mom.

And she has no idea why this would hurt me.

And the honeymoon is over.

We started family therapy today. All sunshine and roses. Very happy. Until…

I told the therapist that we needed to get down to business and about her last phone call. And she immediately became hysterical and started yelling that I was just trying to make her forget her mom.

The thing is, I’m not asking her to forget. I’m sure she’ll never forget. Neither will I. But at some point, you have to begin to move forward.

Then the hysterics were about how she knows I am her mom. And something inside me clicked. I know that you know I am your mom. But you don’t treat me like your mom.

And tonight…it dawns on me. Maybe she is treating me like she would treat her mom. I only know that she desperately wants what I don’t have in my power to give her.

But at least, tonight…the therapist did get to see a glimpse of what we live with. Instantly happy. Instantly hysterical. Instantly anything that is necessary to grab what she needs.

I’d like to put my head back in the sand, please. It’s easier. It doesn’t break your heart. It doesn’t make you feel helpless.

Instead, I live with that which breaks you.

And I can only hope and pray, that in the breaking thru, I can somehow manage to do it beautifully.