This Journey of Mine

I could never have imagined the pain of motherhood. Pain associated with love, pride, loss, anger, guilt, frustration, sadness, heartbreak….

I started this blog because I needed a way to process; and I process best when I write things out. Lately, I haven’t had time to process, which is probably why I am a mess. Yes, I am a mess of a mom. And I have to think that there are so many other moms out there who feel the same way. Who knows if any of them will ever read this blog, but if some mess of a mom happens to come across this journey of mine, I hope something I’ve shared can help them.

The last post I wrote was in regards to feeling broken as I began a journey of intense therapy with our youngest daughter. Six weeks later…

This week, we took a trip and admitted her to a long term facility to get her the help that she needs. I keep reminding myself that this is the right thing to do. And in my doubt, I remind myself that He is with us on this journey and He has orchestrated this plan.

I remind myself that on the day I broke, He planted the name of this facility right in front of my face.

I remind myself that when I felt guilty and wondered how I could possibly do this, He brought a friend who truly understands all that we are going thru…all the way from Missouri to my doorstep, and gave my husband and I the encouragement to push thru to the light at the end of the tunnel…a light we can’t see yet, but are assured is there.

I remind myself that it is not my fault; it is not her fault; it just is.

I believe that parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done. Parenting a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder is even harder. It is a type of parenting that others truly can never understand unless they have lived with it themselves. The types of destructive behaviors, the struggle, the frustration, the hurt, and exhaustion often times make parents of RAD children seem awful. We know we look like terrible parents to the outside world, and after time, we discover that we cannot “fix” these broken children, and we feel so guilty.

I remember when my friend was going thru what we are now, and thinking, “Can it really be that bad? Surely not? She just needs to allow herself to love these kids thru it.”

And she did.

But it wasn’t easy. It isn’t easy. Loving them thru it sometimes feels impossible. Will they ever understand the magnitude of the love that we feel for them?

How do you fix a broken child?

You love them. You find them help. You realize that even though a mom is supposed to be able to handle it all, fix everything, sometimes you have to let go.

It took years for us to fight it out and bring them home permanently. We thought we had finally won the long battle.

I realize now, the battle has just begun. Yet today, I feel like I have no fight left in me. Just emotion; raw emotion.

I cannot escape the guilt of feeling relief, that today, I can rest assured that there will be no arguing; no sabotage, no destruction, no praying for bedtime to come so that we can start all over tomorrow.

I cannot escape the thoughts that pound in my head; Is she ok? Did she sleep well? Does she feel abandoned?

I remind myself that I have to trust that He is taking care of her. That He has placed caregivers in her path to help her cope, to help her trust, to help her love, to help her accept love; to help her heal. To trust that He will bring her home to us.

And I remind myself that the best I can do for today is to be here for my other children. I can be strong and help them thru this. Help them heal. Help them grow.

And allow myself to heal.

And hopefully, we’ll all be able to break thru all of this… and break thru beautifully.