What is this feeling?

Emotions. They suck. I go between wanting to cry for hours and telling myself to get a grip.

It’s been three days since I last spoke to my daughter. I can check in with the nurses and they can tell me she is ok, but it’s just not the same.

I didn’t think it would be so hard to let go.

But then, who am I kidding? On the one hand, it feels calm to have the fights gone. I’m not on edge waiting for the next battle. Not on edge waiting to discover what else of mine has been destroyed. Not on edge waiting to battle out why eating a can of frosting to fill your needs is probably not the best thing.

Which brings up another thought…if we want to have cookies or ice cream in the house, it will be ok, because I don’t have to worry about her binge eating it all and then everyone else getting upset because it all disappeared overnight.

But then, I feel guilty for even thinking these thoughts. So I want to cry again.

Is she ok? Does she know that I am calling and checking on her? Does she know that I wonder what she is doing? How is she doing?

Easter is coming up…and she won’t be with us. This means we won’t have to have a discussion and set up signals to help her cope with social situations that become too much for her. This means we won’t have to set up a plan of action to help her get thru the day.

This means she won’t be with us.

And the realization that we won’t be with her for a long time is hard. It means she won’t make our yearly family trip. She won’t be here for fun summer outings. She may not be here for a wedding in the fall.

The funny thing is, I’m supposed to be learning how to relax and heal myself. Instead, I find myself more on edge worrying about her.

And so I remind myself again that He is in control, not me. I feel so out of control.

As moms, I think we work so hard to keep our families together; to take care of everyone and everything, that when we can’t, we don’t know what to do. Because it’s not in our nature to let go.

And so, when we have the chance to let go, and just relax, we don’t know how. I have lost the ability to just be.

Here’s to learning how to beautifully break thru it all and just…be.