Breaking thru Beautifully...

When life happens and all you want to do is cry, come join me on my little adventure...for after all, sometimes, it's just about breaking thru it all....beautifully.

Hope

As the months have gone by, everything has changed. You can fight change, or you can embrace it.

Control; you can try to control everything, or realize so much of life is out of our control; and then embrace that, too.

How does one react to the circumstances surrounding us? We can fight everything and everyone, or we can work together.

When my youngest daughter was home, everything was a fight. EVERYTHING! We fought over brushing her hair. We fought over doing her homework. We fought over brushing her teeth, taking a shower, leaving things alone if they don’t belong to her. We fought over our relationship, her imaginary relationship with her biological mom; We fought over her need to fight over everything.

I see things differently now. My eyes have been opened. And thru this process of long-term treatment, I’ve learned a few things.

It’s ok to ask for help.

I had to realize that her RAD issues are way bigger than I can handle. Way bigger than I can help her with. I can’t “fix” her, but together, we can seek out others who can help us along the way.

It’s ok to not back down.

When there are issues that need to be faced, it’s ok not to back down. They have to be discussed. They need to be brought out and talked about. It’s hard, but we can not possibly work thru things if we ignore them and let them fester. We can not move past our fears if we do not talk about them and learn how to deal with them; together.

It’s ok to back down.

When some issues are so hard and mentally and physically exhausting, you just can’t deal with it; it’s ok to back down. Bring it back to the table later. Let it go for a few until you are rational and emotionally strong enough to deal with it. Not everything has to be dealt with all at once. There is always more time.

It’s ok to be human.

My children need to know that I am human. That I make mistakes. That I can cry with the best of them and say that life sucks and that we can get thru this life of ours together. When they see the human side of their parents, they learn themselves that it is ok to not have it all together all the time. That’s how we learn. That’s how we grow. That’s how we move forward.

Hope.

We must have hope. Because hope allows us to look forward to the impossible. With hope, we just might be able to break thru it all; beautifully.

Hope-1

 

 

Out of Hiding….

My last post was about wanting to hide. I’d say I’ve managed that pretty well. But I’m realizing eventually, we all have to come out of hiding…and face the giants.

I like my bubble. It’s a nice bubble. It’s safe…and as long as I stay in the bubble the pain can bounce back right off the bubble. But…it’s time to pop the bubble.

The last time I posted, it had just been confirmed that my youngest daughter was sexually assaulted before she came to live with us permanently. In addition, my oldest daughter’s life was falling apart. It was tough. Two days later, my marriage of 23 years fell apart. Just…shriveled up.

The summer seems to be such a blur. I’ve spent most of it speaking to the authorities, counseling with my daughter, going thru a divorce and just trying to hold it together with my other kids; all the while, simply shaking my head in bewilderment as I mumble, “I don’t know why.”

I’ve spent the past few months trying to figure out who I am. Who am I?

I’m no closer to figuring that one out.

I’ve spent the past few months trying to figure out how to help my kids. How can I help them when I barely know how to help myself?

I’ve spent the past few months crying more than I’ve cried in a lifetime. And holding my kids while they cry. And talking, yelling, crying some more, then laughing hysterically at the absurdity of it all.

When I started this blog, I thought it’d be all about trying to break thru beautifully with a child who has RAD. I’m discovering it’s more about trying to break thru the challenges that life brings us.

It’s about holding us together when everything else around us is shattered…broken.

It’s about standing strong in the midst of it all, even when your legs feel like jelly and you’re shaking inside.

It’s about discovery. Discovering new relationships with my children as we face each other with raw, abandoned emotion and the ability to love and laugh despite being broken.

Because after all, it’s still about breaking thru; breaking thru it together; beautifully.

 

 

 

Hiding…

Do you ever feel like you just want to hide your head in the sand? That’s me today. Because today, I just don’t want to have to feel. It hurts. too. much.

It’s bad enough that my older daughter is struggling and going thru her own stuff. And her words to me today were, “I shouldn’t have to rely on you for everything.”

And I tried to comfort her and tell her that that’s what mom’s are here for.

Only, the truth of the matter is that we aren’t. We can. not. always. be. there. to. protect. them.

We’d like to think so.

But we…just…cant.

And my youngest daughter called home tonight. She had a letter to read to me with her counselor next to her. And she confirmed what we already knew. Because children only act like this when they have been abused.

So tonight, I am filled with anger. Anger for the system that refused to let family take care of family, and instead placed these already hurting children in more harm. Anger for the foster family that just didn’t care enough to protect them, but ignored it, and caused so much more damage for a paycheck.

I am filled with rage for those who have hurt my beautiful daughters…how can I possibly help them to heal?

We have a system that is failing our children. I asked my husband again tonight…what does God want from me? Are we to sit silently by and do nothing? Are we to stand up? How? When? We tried for years, but they had their own agenda and refused to listen to us. Instead, they chose to stand against us and anyone who supported us.

As a parent tonight, I am at a loss. I have watched my children go thru things no one should ever have to go thru. I have failed as a parent; unable to protect them.

Tonight I have to ask…how much more? How much more, God?

I’d like to hide my head. And I’d like for this year to be over. So far, it’s been pretty awful.

I’d like to break thru, but tonight, I just can’t. I just can’t seem to break thru.

So instead, I will try and remember…

“Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now”

 

Head in the Sand…

Lately, I’ve take the role of what I like to call my “head in the sand” moments. It’s kind of peaceful with my daughter being away in treatment. There aren’t daily fights. I’m not constantly on edge. I’m not waiting for the next thing to be destroyed. I can just be.

She’s been gone for three weeks. And she seems quite adjusted and very happy. We had one hysterical phone call…and the rest have been all sunshine and roses.

She is honeymooning and doesn’t have to deal.

I must be doing the same thing.

Or at least I was…until her last phone call.

It started out so innocent…and then, she reminded me that this is not her home. And she reminded me that I am not her mom.

And she has no idea why this would hurt me.

And the honeymoon is over.

We started family therapy today. All sunshine and roses. Very happy. Until…

I told the therapist that we needed to get down to business and about her last phone call. And she immediately became hysterical and started yelling that I was just trying to make her forget her mom.

The thing is, I’m not asking her to forget. I’m sure she’ll never forget. Neither will I. But at some point, you have to begin to move forward.

Then the hysterics were about how she knows I am her mom. And something inside me clicked. I know that you know I am your mom. But you don’t treat me like your mom.

And tonight…it dawns on me. Maybe she is treating me like she would treat her mom. I only know that she desperately wants what I don’t have in my power to give her.

But at least, tonight…the therapist did get to see a glimpse of what we live with. Instantly happy. Instantly hysterical. Instantly anything that is necessary to grab what she needs.

I’d like to put my head back in the sand, please. It’s easier. It doesn’t break your heart. It doesn’t make you feel helpless.

Instead, I live with that which breaks you.

And I can only hope and pray, that in the breaking thru, I can somehow manage to do it beautifully.

What is this feeling?

Emotions. They suck. I go between wanting to cry for hours and telling myself to get a grip.

It’s been three days since I last spoke to my daughter. I can check in with the nurses and they can tell me she is ok, but it’s just not the same.

I didn’t think it would be so hard to let go.

But then, who am I kidding? On the one hand, it feels calm to have the fights gone. I’m not on edge waiting for the next battle. Not on edge waiting to discover what else of mine has been destroyed. Not on edge waiting to battle out why eating a can of frosting to fill your needs is probably not the best thing.

Which brings up another thought…if we want to have cookies or ice cream in the house, it will be ok, because I don’t have to worry about her binge eating it all and then everyone else getting upset because it all disappeared overnight.

But then, I feel guilty for even thinking these thoughts. So I want to cry again.

Is she ok? Does she know that I am calling and checking on her? Does she know that I wonder what she is doing? How is she doing?

Easter is coming up…and she won’t be with us. This means we won’t have to have a discussion and set up signals to help her cope with social situations that become too much for her. This means we won’t have to set up a plan of action to help her get thru the day.

This means she won’t be with us.

And the realization that we won’t be with her for a long time is hard. It means she won’t make our yearly family trip. She won’t be here for fun summer outings. She may not be here for a wedding in the fall.

The funny thing is, I’m supposed to be learning how to relax and heal myself. Instead, I find myself more on edge worrying about her.

And so I remind myself again that He is in control, not me. I feel so out of control.

As moms, I think we work so hard to keep our families together; to take care of everyone and everything, that when we can’t, we don’t know what to do. Because it’s not in our nature to let go.

And so, when we have the chance to let go, and just relax, we don’t know how. I have lost the ability to just be.

Here’s to learning how to beautifully break thru it all and just…be.

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