Breaking thru Beautifully...

When life happens and all you want to do is cry, come join me on my little adventure...for after all, sometimes, it's just about breaking thru it all....beautifully.

How?

How? It’s the beginning of a question.

How can I?

How could you?

How can you?

Then there is why.

Why must we?

Why must you?

Why do you?

Suffering. How? Why?

These are the questions I ask myself this week. I shared with someone earlier that the one thing that I cannot handle is watching my children suffer. And when my family gets hit, it is so hard to rebound.

And yet, my son is suffering. And there is nothing-I-can-do-about-it.

We have seen every specialist. We have tried every medication. For an entire year, he suffered from extreme, excruciating pain. I’ve never seen anything like it.

For a whole year, we finally had him almost back to normal.

And then, this past week, he’s back where he was.

Why? Why must he suffer?

How? How can you allow this to happen?

Reactive Attachment Disorder. Otherwise known as RAD. It happens when a child has been so neglected that they cannot form a bond with anyone. And they target the one who is the closest to them. We have a daughter with RAD. And unless you have lived it, you cannot possibly understand what it is like for them…for the person that they target, and for the family that suffers thru it. The stress is unbearable at times.

Why? Why was this allowed to happen?

These are the things that run thru my head this week. We are about to start something radical; hoping it will change.

I will be journaling and trying to get thru it. Hopefully, it may help someone else. Maybe it will help me as I process.

In the meantime, I will continue to pray, and try not to be too upset with Him. I know that He understands suffering; I just don’t understand why it has to be my son; my daughter; my family.

Lord, help us to break thru…and do it beautifully.

Mold Me

His works
But now, O Lord, you are our Father; we are the clay, and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hand. Isaiah 64:8

Just when I think that perhaps, just perhaps, I am finally about to lift out of this fog, a new storm rumbles in.

May I just say…”I-AM-SO-TIRED-OF-THE-STRUGGLE.”

I’m tired of my son suffering from a mysterious physical ailment that no team of specialists can seem to figure out.

I’m tired of the struggle of raising a daughter who is a product of the failure of our state system when it comes to protecting it’s children.

I sat and talked for hours with a friend-who-is-more-than-a-sister today. And we both came to one agreement…parenting adult children is harder than parenting babies.

What? 😯

Say it isn’t so!

We’ve both agreed we get less sleep now than when they were babies. Why? Because if we aren’t crying, we are praying for them…or we are crying and praying for them at the same time.

The burden that is placed on the heart of a parent of an adult child is like nothing I have ever experienced. They are adults. They will make their own mistakes. They will fail. They will suffer. They will have to learn things the hard way.

Just like we did when we were their age.

Which is why it is so much harder for us.

Because we have been there. Because we know where it leads and how painful it is. Because we can no longer put a bandaid on it and kiss it and make it feel better. Because we cannot put them in their crib or playpen and stop them from harm. Because we can no longer supervise their play-dates.

And the list goes on and on.

My daughter asked me recently, “What has He done for me?”

It has struck me to the core…that she can even ask such a question. Did I not raise her right? Have I not taught her who she can depend on? That He alone can fill the emptiness if she would just let Him?

And then…my Father reminded me of something.

He is in charge, not me. He has it all under control, not me. He is who I should be focusing on…not me.

And then, He placed this verse in my head.

 “But now, O Lord, you are our Father;

we are the clay, and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hand. Isaiah 64:8″

Mold me, Lord. Let me be the beautiful works of Your hand.

And let me break thru beautifully…

 

Now that I’m here…

It’s been two weeks since I started this blog. No one has read it. (I haven’t shared it with anyone…)

So, I guess you could say I’m writing to myself.

Life has continued, and so far no more mental breakdown!

Instead, I’ve spent a lot of time working…and thinking…and trying to figure out some things.

Will my job be the end of me?

Will my children ever get their acts together?

Am I asking too much? Too much of them? Of myself?

Last night I lay in my bed, sicker than a dog, just praying for sleep. And of course, my brain went on and on and I started thinking about my daughter and the wedding, and my sons and their issues and my adopted daughter and will she ever accept me.

And then, I just shouted out loud in my head, “God…you really suck right now.”

And of course, I then felt really guilty and expected to be struck down with lightening right then and there.

When that didn’t immediately happen, I found myself asking Him if it was ok that I felt that way. He didn’t really answer me, but I figure He understands me and what is going thru my head, so I’ll just keep on plugging on, one day at a time.

And trying to break thru these ponders of mine…one day at a time…beautifully.

 

 

 

Breaking thru… Beautifully (or not!)

2014…it wasn’t a a great year. We suffered some great losses and at times felt like we’d barely make it through. But, there was joy and celebration as well. My daughter became engaged and we spent much of our time planning the wedding celebration. Then, as the year came to a close, more bad news, more health issues, more struggles…and honestly, I couldn’t wait for 2015. It just had to get better, right?

Only, it wasn’t. It isn’t.

If someone were to ask me today, “Hey, how’s it going?” I’d be moved to tears. I’ve cried more in the past few weeks, in the past few days, then I have in a lifetime.

Or so it seems.

Let me just recap…

Since New Year’s day….one of my favorite family members has been diagnosed with uterine cancer. She’s the one family member that gets me…that sticks with me, up for me and loves me unconditionally.

My mom is well…honestly, I don’t even know. My dad is at a loss as to how to deal with her and I truly believe she must be suffering from the early signs of dementia. The stress of worrying about your parents who live a full day’s drive away is almost unbearable at times.

The wedding has now been called off…postponed…indefinitely. My daughter seems to be in shock, the groom is trying to deal and the family is just…functioning. And so we pick up the pieces. One phone call at a time….

The poor Hobby Lobby lady was wonderful when I broke into tears over the phone and asked if we could get a refund on the items we’d been purchasing. And she was wonderful when we came in with bag after bag of items. It was a strange, numbing kind of moment.

I haven’t slept in weeks. One, because of my health, and two…I’m sure because of the stress. When my best friend called to check in on me today, I had to ask….could I also possibly be starting menopause?

You see, in addition to the steroids for my neck injury (did I mention that?) and the stress that seems to be compounding, I’ve also found myself unable to sleep. I often wake up in the middle of the night sweating or just really, REALLY hot! I’m pretty sure these aren’t the hot flashes that I’ve witnessed in others, but….they’re enough to keep me up, wake me up and make me change PJ’s in the middle of the night. UGH!

But…there are also benefits…I now only have to shave my legs once a week!

I’ve started a new Bible study….”My Spirit, My Responsibility.” I’m really enjoying it…it seems to be about the only thing that is keeping me grounded right now.

That…and the women in my life who get it.

I’ve been a blogger for years…however I’ve always been careful what I blog in order to protect my family. But I feel I have a lot to share…..maybe I just need to get some things off my chest, maybe I can help someone….maybe I can offer a little laughter thru a little tears….

I’m not sure, but I do know one thing….instead of breaking down, I think I’ll try and break thru….one day at a time, and hopefully, I’ll manage to do it beautifully.

Archives