Breaking thru Beautifully...

When life happens and all you want to do is cry, come join me on my little adventure...for after all, sometimes, it's just about breaking thru it all....beautifully.

Hiding…

Do you ever feel like you just want to hide your head in the sand? That’s me today. Because today, I just don’t want to have to feel. It hurts. too. much.

It’s bad enough that my older daughter is struggling and going thru her own stuff. And her words to me today were, “I shouldn’t have to rely on you for everything.”

And I tried to comfort her and tell her that that’s what mom’s are here for.

Only, the truth of the matter is that we aren’t. We can. not. always. be. there. to. protect. them.

We’d like to think so.

But we…just…cant.

And my youngest daughter called home tonight. She had a letter to read to me with her counselor next to her. And she confirmed what we already knew. Because children only act like this when they have been abused.

So tonight, I am filled with anger. Anger for the system that refused to let family take care of family, and instead placed these already hurting children in more harm. Anger for the foster family that just didn’t care enough to protect them, but ignored it, and caused so much more damage for a paycheck.

I am filled with rage for those who have hurt my beautiful daughters…how can I possibly help them to heal?

We have a system that is failing our children. I asked my husband again tonight…what does God want from me? Are we to sit silently by and do nothing? Are we to stand up? How? When? We tried for years, but they had their own agenda and refused to listen to us. Instead, they chose to stand against us and anyone who supported us.

As a parent tonight, I am at a loss. I have watched my children go thru things no one should ever have to go thru. I have failed as a parent; unable to protect them.

Tonight I have to ask…how much more? How much more, God?

I’d like to hide my head. And I’d like for this year to be over. So far, it’s been pretty awful.

I’d like to break thru, but tonight, I just can’t. I just can’t seem to break thru.

So instead, I will try and remember…

“Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now”

 

What is this feeling?

Emotions. They suck. I go between wanting to cry for hours and telling myself to get a grip.

It’s been three days since I last spoke to my daughter. I can check in with the nurses and they can tell me she is ok, but it’s just not the same.

I didn’t think it would be so hard to let go.

But then, who am I kidding? On the one hand, it feels calm to have the fights gone. I’m not on edge waiting for the next battle. Not on edge waiting to discover what else of mine has been destroyed. Not on edge waiting to battle out why eating a can of frosting to fill your needs is probably not the best thing.

Which brings up another thought…if we want to have cookies or ice cream in the house, it will be ok, because I don’t have to worry about her binge eating it all and then everyone else getting upset because it all disappeared overnight.

But then, I feel guilty for even thinking these thoughts. So I want to cry again.

Is she ok? Does she know that I am calling and checking on her? Does she know that I wonder what she is doing? How is she doing?

Easter is coming up…and she won’t be with us. This means we won’t have to have a discussion and set up signals to help her cope with social situations that become too much for her. This means we won’t have to set up a plan of action to help her get thru the day.

This means she won’t be with us.

And the realization that we won’t be with her for a long time is hard. It means she won’t make our yearly family trip. She won’t be here for fun summer outings. She may not be here for a wedding in the fall.

The funny thing is, I’m supposed to be learning how to relax and heal myself. Instead, I find myself more on edge worrying about her.

And so I remind myself again that He is in control, not me. I feel so out of control.

As moms, I think we work so hard to keep our families together; to take care of everyone and everything, that when we can’t, we don’t know what to do. Because it’s not in our nature to let go.

And so, when we have the chance to let go, and just relax, we don’t know how. I have lost the ability to just be.

Here’s to learning how to beautifully break thru it all and just…be.

Mold Me

His works
But now, O Lord, you are our Father; we are the clay, and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hand. Isaiah 64:8

Just when I think that perhaps, just perhaps, I am finally about to lift out of this fog, a new storm rumbles in.

May I just say…”I-AM-SO-TIRED-OF-THE-STRUGGLE.”

I’m tired of my son suffering from a mysterious physical ailment that no team of specialists can seem to figure out.

I’m tired of the struggle of raising a daughter who is a product of the failure of our state system when it comes to protecting it’s children.

I sat and talked for hours with a friend-who-is-more-than-a-sister today. And we both came to one agreement…parenting adult children is harder than parenting babies.

What? 😯

Say it isn’t so!

We’ve both agreed we get less sleep now than when they were babies. Why? Because if we aren’t crying, we are praying for them…or we are crying and praying for them at the same time.

The burden that is placed on the heart of a parent of an adult child is like nothing I have ever experienced. They are adults. They will make their own mistakes. They will fail. They will suffer. They will have to learn things the hard way.

Just like we did when we were their age.

Which is why it is so much harder for us.

Because we have been there. Because we know where it leads and how painful it is. Because we can no longer put a bandaid on it and kiss it and make it feel better. Because we cannot put them in their crib or playpen and stop them from harm. Because we can no longer supervise their play-dates.

And the list goes on and on.

My daughter asked me recently, “What has He done for me?”

It has struck me to the core…that she can even ask such a question. Did I not raise her right? Have I not taught her who she can depend on? That He alone can fill the emptiness if she would just let Him?

And then…my Father reminded me of something.

He is in charge, not me. He has it all under control, not me. He is who I should be focusing on…not me.

And then, He placed this verse in my head.

 “But now, O Lord, you are our Father;

we are the clay, and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hand. Isaiah 64:8″

Mold me, Lord. Let me be the beautiful works of Your hand.

And let me break thru beautifully…

 

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