Breaking thru Beautifully...

When life happens and all you want to do is cry, come join me on my little adventure...for after all, sometimes, it's just about breaking thru it all....beautifully.

Out of Hiding….

My last post was about wanting to hide. I’d say I’ve managed that pretty well. But I’m realizing eventually, we all have to come out of hiding…and face the giants.

I like my bubble. It’s a nice bubble. It’s safe…and as long as I stay in the bubble the pain can bounce back right off the bubble. But…it’s time to pop the bubble.

The last time I posted, it had just been confirmed that my youngest daughter was sexually assaulted before she came to live with us permanently. In addition, my oldest daughter’s life was falling apart. It was tough. Two days later, my marriage of 23 years fell apart. Just…shriveled up.

The summer seems to be such a blur. I’ve spent most of it speaking to the authorities, counseling with my daughter, going thru a divorce and just trying to hold it together with my other kids; all the while, simply shaking my head in bewilderment as I mumble, “I don’t know why.”

I’ve spent the past few months trying to figure out who I am. Who am I?

I’m no closer to figuring that one out.

I’ve spent the past few months trying to figure out how to help my kids. How can I help them when I barely know how to help myself?

I’ve spent the past few months crying more than I’ve cried in a lifetime. And holding my kids while they cry. And talking, yelling, crying some more, then laughing hysterically at the absurdity of it all.

When I started this blog, I thought it’d be all about trying to break thru beautifully with a child who has RAD. I’m discovering it’s more about trying to break thru the challenges that life brings us.

It’s about holding us together when everything else around us is shattered…broken.

It’s about standing strong in the midst of it all, even when your legs feel like jelly and you’re shaking inside.

It’s about discovery. Discovering new relationships with my children as we face each other with raw, abandoned emotion and the ability to love and laugh despite being broken.

Because after all, it’s still about breaking thru; breaking thru it together; beautifully.

 

 

 

Hiding…

Do you ever feel like you just want to hide your head in the sand? That’s me today. Because today, I just don’t want to have to feel. It hurts. too. much.

It’s bad enough that my older daughter is struggling and going thru her own stuff. And her words to me today were, “I shouldn’t have to rely on you for everything.”

And I tried to comfort her and tell her that that’s what mom’s are here for.

Only, the truth of the matter is that we aren’t. We can. not. always. be. there. to. protect. them.

We’d like to think so.

But we…just…cant.

And my youngest daughter called home tonight. She had a letter to read to me with her counselor next to her. And she confirmed what we already knew. Because children only act like this when they have been abused.

So tonight, I am filled with anger. Anger for the system that refused to let family take care of family, and instead placed these already hurting children in more harm. Anger for the foster family that just didn’t care enough to protect them, but ignored it, and caused so much more damage for a paycheck.

I am filled with rage for those who have hurt my beautiful daughters…how can I possibly help them to heal?

We have a system that is failing our children. I asked my husband again tonight…what does God want from me? Are we to sit silently by and do nothing? Are we to stand up? How? When? We tried for years, but they had their own agenda and refused to listen to us. Instead, they chose to stand against us and anyone who supported us.

As a parent tonight, I am at a loss. I have watched my children go thru things no one should ever have to go thru. I have failed as a parent; unable to protect them.

Tonight I have to ask…how much more? How much more, God?

I’d like to hide my head. And I’d like for this year to be over. So far, it’s been pretty awful.

I’d like to break thru, but tonight, I just can’t. I just can’t seem to break thru.

So instead, I will try and remember…

“Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now”

 

What is this feeling?

Emotions. They suck. I go between wanting to cry for hours and telling myself to get a grip.

It’s been three days since I last spoke to my daughter. I can check in with the nurses and they can tell me she is ok, but it’s just not the same.

I didn’t think it would be so hard to let go.

But then, who am I kidding? On the one hand, it feels calm to have the fights gone. I’m not on edge waiting for the next battle. Not on edge waiting to discover what else of mine has been destroyed. Not on edge waiting to battle out why eating a can of frosting to fill your needs is probably not the best thing.

Which brings up another thought…if we want to have cookies or ice cream in the house, it will be ok, because I don’t have to worry about her binge eating it all and then everyone else getting upset because it all disappeared overnight.

But then, I feel guilty for even thinking these thoughts. So I want to cry again.

Is she ok? Does she know that I am calling and checking on her? Does she know that I wonder what she is doing? How is she doing?

Easter is coming up…and she won’t be with us. This means we won’t have to have a discussion and set up signals to help her cope with social situations that become too much for her. This means we won’t have to set up a plan of action to help her get thru the day.

This means she won’t be with us.

And the realization that we won’t be with her for a long time is hard. It means she won’t make our yearly family trip. She won’t be here for fun summer outings. She may not be here for a wedding in the fall.

The funny thing is, I’m supposed to be learning how to relax and heal myself. Instead, I find myself more on edge worrying about her.

And so I remind myself again that He is in control, not me. I feel so out of control.

As moms, I think we work so hard to keep our families together; to take care of everyone and everything, that when we can’t, we don’t know what to do. Because it’s not in our nature to let go.

And so, when we have the chance to let go, and just relax, we don’t know how. I have lost the ability to just be.

Here’s to learning how to beautifully break thru it all and just…be.

Now that I’m here…

It’s been two weeks since I started this blog. No one has read it. (I haven’t shared it with anyone…)

So, I guess you could say I’m writing to myself.

Life has continued, and so far no more mental breakdown!

Instead, I’ve spent a lot of time working…and thinking…and trying to figure out some things.

Will my job be the end of me?

Will my children ever get their acts together?

Am I asking too much? Too much of them? Of myself?

Last night I lay in my bed, sicker than a dog, just praying for sleep. And of course, my brain went on and on and I started thinking about my daughter and the wedding, and my sons and their issues and my adopted daughter and will she ever accept me.

And then, I just shouted out loud in my head, “God…you really suck right now.”

And of course, I then felt really guilty and expected to be struck down with lightening right then and there.

When that didn’t immediately happen, I found myself asking Him if it was ok that I felt that way. He didn’t really answer me, but I figure He understands me and what is going thru my head, so I’ll just keep on plugging on, one day at a time.

And trying to break thru these ponders of mine…one day at a time…beautifully.

 

 

 

Breaking thru… Beautifully (or not!)

2014…it wasn’t a a great year. We suffered some great losses and at times felt like we’d barely make it through. But, there was joy and celebration as well. My daughter became engaged and we spent much of our time planning the wedding celebration. Then, as the year came to a close, more bad news, more health issues, more struggles…and honestly, I couldn’t wait for 2015. It just had to get better, right?

Only, it wasn’t. It isn’t.

If someone were to ask me today, “Hey, how’s it going?” I’d be moved to tears. I’ve cried more in the past few weeks, in the past few days, then I have in a lifetime.

Or so it seems.

Let me just recap…

Since New Year’s day….one of my favorite family members has been diagnosed with uterine cancer. She’s the one family member that gets me…that sticks with me, up for me and loves me unconditionally.

My mom is well…honestly, I don’t even know. My dad is at a loss as to how to deal with her and I truly believe she must be suffering from the early signs of dementia. The stress of worrying about your parents who live a full day’s drive away is almost unbearable at times.

The wedding has now been called off…postponed…indefinitely. My daughter seems to be in shock, the groom is trying to deal and the family is just…functioning. And so we pick up the pieces. One phone call at a time….

The poor Hobby Lobby lady was wonderful when I broke into tears over the phone and asked if we could get a refund on the items we’d been purchasing. And she was wonderful when we came in with bag after bag of items. It was a strange, numbing kind of moment.

I haven’t slept in weeks. One, because of my health, and two…I’m sure because of the stress. When my best friend called to check in on me today, I had to ask….could I also possibly be starting menopause?

You see, in addition to the steroids for my neck injury (did I mention that?) and the stress that seems to be compounding, I’ve also found myself unable to sleep. I often wake up in the middle of the night sweating or just really, REALLY hot! I’m pretty sure these aren’t the hot flashes that I’ve witnessed in others, but….they’re enough to keep me up, wake me up and make me change PJ’s in the middle of the night. UGH!

But…there are also benefits…I now only have to shave my legs once a week!

I’ve started a new Bible study….”My Spirit, My Responsibility.” I’m really enjoying it…it seems to be about the only thing that is keeping me grounded right now.

That…and the women in my life who get it.

I’ve been a blogger for years…however I’ve always been careful what I blog in order to protect my family. But I feel I have a lot to share…..maybe I just need to get some things off my chest, maybe I can help someone….maybe I can offer a little laughter thru a little tears….

I’m not sure, but I do know one thing….instead of breaking down, I think I’ll try and break thru….one day at a time, and hopefully, I’ll manage to do it beautifully.

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