Breaking thru Beautifully...

When life happens and all you want to do is cry, come join me on my little adventure...for after all, sometimes, it's just about breaking thru it all....beautifully.

Out of Hiding….

My last post was about wanting to hide. I’d say I’ve managed that pretty well. But I’m realizing eventually, we all have to come out of hiding…and face the giants.

I like my bubble. It’s a nice bubble. It’s safe…and as long as I stay in the bubble the pain can bounce back right off the bubble. But…it’s time to pop the bubble.

The last time I posted, it had just been confirmed that my youngest daughter was sexually assaulted before she came to live with us permanently. In addition, my oldest daughter’s life was falling apart. It was tough. Two days later, my marriage of 23 years fell apart. Just…shriveled up.

The summer seems to be such a blur. I’ve spent most of it speaking to the authorities, counseling with my daughter, going thru a divorce and just trying to hold it together with my other kids; all the while, simply shaking my head in bewilderment as I mumble, “I don’t know why.”

I’ve spent the past few months trying to figure out who I am. Who am I?

I’m no closer to figuring that one out.

I’ve spent the past few months trying to figure out how to help my kids. How can I help them when I barely know how to help myself?

I’ve spent the past few months crying more than I’ve cried in a lifetime. And holding my kids while they cry. And talking, yelling, crying some more, then laughing hysterically at the absurdity of it all.

When I started this blog, I thought it’d be all about trying to break thru beautifully with a child who has RAD. I’m discovering it’s more about trying to break thru the challenges that life brings us.

It’s about holding us together when everything else around us is shattered…broken.

It’s about standing strong in the midst of it all, even when your legs feel like jelly and you’re shaking inside.

It’s about discovery. Discovering new relationships with my children as we face each other with raw, abandoned emotion and the ability to love and laugh despite being broken.

Because after all, it’s still about breaking thru; breaking thru it together; beautifully.

 

 

 

Hiding…

Do you ever feel like you just want to hide your head in the sand? That’s me today. Because today, I just don’t want to have to feel. It hurts. too. much.

It’s bad enough that my older daughter is struggling and going thru her own stuff. And her words to me today were, “I shouldn’t have to rely on you for everything.”

And I tried to comfort her and tell her that that’s what mom’s are here for.

Only, the truth of the matter is that we aren’t. We can. not. always. be. there. to. protect. them.

We’d like to think so.

But we…just…cant.

And my youngest daughter called home tonight. She had a letter to read to me with her counselor next to her. And she confirmed what we already knew. Because children only act like this when they have been abused.

So tonight, I am filled with anger. Anger for the system that refused to let family take care of family, and instead placed these already hurting children in more harm. Anger for the foster family that just didn’t care enough to protect them, but ignored it, and caused so much more damage for a paycheck.

I am filled with rage for those who have hurt my beautiful daughters…how can I possibly help them to heal?

We have a system that is failing our children. I asked my husband again tonight…what does God want from me? Are we to sit silently by and do nothing? Are we to stand up? How? When? We tried for years, but they had their own agenda and refused to listen to us. Instead, they chose to stand against us and anyone who supported us.

As a parent tonight, I am at a loss. I have watched my children go thru things no one should ever have to go thru. I have failed as a parent; unable to protect them.

Tonight I have to ask…how much more? How much more, God?

I’d like to hide my head. And I’d like for this year to be over. So far, it’s been pretty awful.

I’d like to break thru, but tonight, I just can’t. I just can’t seem to break thru.

So instead, I will try and remember…

“Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now”

 

Head in the Sand…

Lately, I’ve take the role of what I like to call my “head in the sand” moments. It’s kind of peaceful with my daughter being away in treatment. There aren’t daily fights. I’m not constantly on edge. I’m not waiting for the next thing to be destroyed. I can just be.

She’s been gone for three weeks. And she seems quite adjusted and very happy. We had one hysterical phone call…and the rest have been all sunshine and roses.

She is honeymooning and doesn’t have to deal.

I must be doing the same thing.

Or at least I was…until her last phone call.

It started out so innocent…and then, she reminded me that this is not her home. And she reminded me that I am not her mom.

And she has no idea why this would hurt me.

And the honeymoon is over.

We started family therapy today. All sunshine and roses. Very happy. Until…

I told the therapist that we needed to get down to business and about her last phone call. And she immediately became hysterical and started yelling that I was just trying to make her forget her mom.

The thing is, I’m not asking her to forget. I’m sure she’ll never forget. Neither will I. But at some point, you have to begin to move forward.

Then the hysterics were about how she knows I am her mom. And something inside me clicked. I know that you know I am your mom. But you don’t treat me like your mom.

And tonight…it dawns on me. Maybe she is treating me like she would treat her mom. I only know that she desperately wants what I don’t have in my power to give her.

But at least, tonight…the therapist did get to see a glimpse of what we live with. Instantly happy. Instantly hysterical. Instantly anything that is necessary to grab what she needs.

I’d like to put my head back in the sand, please. It’s easier. It doesn’t break your heart. It doesn’t make you feel helpless.

Instead, I live with that which breaks you.

And I can only hope and pray, that in the breaking thru, I can somehow manage to do it beautifully.

Broken

There’s a song, “Bring the Rain” by Mercy Me. There was a time when I listened to it on a daily basis. It’s funny how a certain song can just be what you need to get you thru.

Today was not an easy day. First of all, it was a Physical Therapy day for me. They are never easy, but I hear it will all be better if I just hang tough.

It was day two of our radical therapy. The idea is to force an attachment. But how do you force someone to attach to you if they just aren’t that interested? Maybe she is; I honestly just don’t know. After yesterday when she realized her outside socialization had been greatly diminished, I received a letter. I’m choosing to see it as her making a positive change rather than manipulation to get what she wants. And yet, I still didn’t do all I was supposed to. I’m supposed to keep her by my side as much as possible. And I tried…but her shower took forever, and her hair took forever and there was never time for our ten minutes of coloring. Instead there was her doing everything possible to delay spending any more than the necessary amount of time with me.

Reactive Attachment Disorder. **sigh**

It’s funny how you believe you can handle anything….and then realize that perhaps, you can’t. You think you’re prepared…and find out you aren’t.

Parenthood is a lot harder than I could have ever dreamed. My son is sick. He hurts. And no one can figure out why. I think if we could just have a reason, then perhaps we could deal. Perhaps we could find some miracle drug to end his suffering once and for all. But we can’t.

Someone said to me today, “I feel broken…”

Yes.

And I’m a fixer. I like to fix things. And yet I can’t…so I’ll just keep trying, one day at a time, and hopefully, I’ll figure out to break thru…beautifully.

Here’s the song I listen to these days…

How?

How? It’s the beginning of a question.

How can I?

How could you?

How can you?

Then there is why.

Why must we?

Why must you?

Why do you?

Suffering. How? Why?

These are the questions I ask myself this week. I shared with someone earlier that the one thing that I cannot handle is watching my children suffer. And when my family gets hit, it is so hard to rebound.

And yet, my son is suffering. And there is nothing-I-can-do-about-it.

We have seen every specialist. We have tried every medication. For an entire year, he suffered from extreme, excruciating pain. I’ve never seen anything like it.

For a whole year, we finally had him almost back to normal.

And then, this past week, he’s back where he was.

Why? Why must he suffer?

How? How can you allow this to happen?

Reactive Attachment Disorder. Otherwise known as RAD. It happens when a child has been so neglected that they cannot form a bond with anyone. And they target the one who is the closest to them. We have a daughter with RAD. And unless you have lived it, you cannot possibly understand what it is like for them…for the person that they target, and for the family that suffers thru it. The stress is unbearable at times.

Why? Why was this allowed to happen?

These are the things that run thru my head this week. We are about to start something radical; hoping it will change.

I will be journaling and trying to get thru it. Hopefully, it may help someone else. Maybe it will help me as I process.

In the meantime, I will continue to pray, and try not to be too upset with Him. I know that He understands suffering; I just don’t understand why it has to be my son; my daughter; my family.

Lord, help us to break thru…and do it beautifully.

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