Breaking thru Beautifully...

When life happens and all you want to do is cry, come join me on my little adventure...for after all, sometimes, it's just about breaking thru it all....beautifully.

Head in the Sand…

Lately, I’ve take the role of what I like to call my “head in the sand” moments. It’s kind of peaceful with my daughter being away in treatment. There aren’t daily fights. I’m not constantly on edge. I’m not waiting for the next thing to be destroyed. I can just be.

She’s been gone for three weeks. And she seems quite adjusted and very happy. We had one hysterical phone call…and the rest have been all sunshine and roses.

She is honeymooning and doesn’t have to deal.

I must be doing the same thing.

Or at least I was…until her last phone call.

It started out so innocent…and then, she reminded me that this is not her home. And she reminded me that I am not her mom.

And she has no idea why this would hurt me.

And the honeymoon is over.

We started family therapy today. All sunshine and roses. Very happy. Until…

I told the therapist that we needed to get down to business and about her last phone call. And she immediately became hysterical and started yelling that I was just trying to make her forget her mom.

The thing is, I’m not asking her to forget. I’m sure she’ll never forget. Neither will I. But at some point, you have to begin to move forward.

Then the hysterics were about how she knows I am her mom. And something inside me clicked. I know that you know I am your mom. But you don’t treat me like your mom.

And tonight…it dawns on me. Maybe she is treating me like she would treat her mom. I only know that she desperately wants what I don’t have in my power to give her.

But at least, tonight…the therapist did get to see a glimpse of what we live with. Instantly happy. Instantly hysterical. Instantly anything that is necessary to grab what she needs.

I’d like to put my head back in the sand, please. It’s easier. It doesn’t break your heart. It doesn’t make you feel helpless.

Instead, I live with that which breaks you.

And I can only hope and pray, that in the breaking thru, I can somehow manage to do it beautifully.

What is this feeling?

Emotions. They suck. I go between wanting to cry for hours and telling myself to get a grip.

It’s been three days since I last spoke to my daughter. I can check in with the nurses and they can tell me she is ok, but it’s just not the same.

I didn’t think it would be so hard to let go.

But then, who am I kidding? On the one hand, it feels calm to have the fights gone. I’m not on edge waiting for the next battle. Not on edge waiting to discover what else of mine has been destroyed. Not on edge waiting to battle out why eating a can of frosting to fill your needs is probably not the best thing.

Which brings up another thought…if we want to have cookies or ice cream in the house, it will be ok, because I don’t have to worry about her binge eating it all and then everyone else getting upset because it all disappeared overnight.

But then, I feel guilty for even thinking these thoughts. So I want to cry again.

Is she ok? Does she know that I am calling and checking on her? Does she know that I wonder what she is doing? How is she doing?

Easter is coming up…and she won’t be with us. This means we won’t have to have a discussion and set up signals to help her cope with social situations that become too much for her. This means we won’t have to set up a plan of action to help her get thru the day.

This means she won’t be with us.

And the realization that we won’t be with her for a long time is hard. It means she won’t make our yearly family trip. She won’t be here for fun summer outings. She may not be here for a wedding in the fall.

The funny thing is, I’m supposed to be learning how to relax and heal myself. Instead, I find myself more on edge worrying about her.

And so I remind myself again that He is in control, not me. I feel so out of control.

As moms, I think we work so hard to keep our families together; to take care of everyone and everything, that when we can’t, we don’t know what to do. Because it’s not in our nature to let go.

And so, when we have the chance to let go, and just relax, we don’t know how. I have lost the ability to just be.

Here’s to learning how to beautifully break thru it all and just…be.

This Journey of Mine

I could never have imagined the pain of motherhood. Pain associated with love, pride, loss, anger, guilt, frustration, sadness, heartbreak….

I started this blog because I needed a way to process; and I process best when I write things out. Lately, I haven’t had time to process, which is probably why I am a mess. Yes, I am a mess of a mom. And I have to think that there are so many other moms out there who feel the same way. Who knows if any of them will ever read this blog, but if some mess of a mom happens to come across this journey of mine, I hope something I’ve shared can help them.

The last post I wrote was in regards to feeling broken as I began a journey of intense therapy with our youngest daughter. Six weeks later…

This week, we took a trip and admitted her to a long term facility to get her the help that she needs. I keep reminding myself that this is the right thing to do. And in my doubt, I remind myself that He is with us on this journey and He has orchestrated this plan.

I remind myself that on the day I broke, He planted the name of this facility right in front of my face.

I remind myself that when I felt guilty and wondered how I could possibly do this, He brought a friend who truly understands all that we are going thru…all the way from Missouri to my doorstep, and gave my husband and I the encouragement to push thru to the light at the end of the tunnel…a light we can’t see yet, but are assured is there.

I remind myself that it is not my fault; it is not her fault; it just is.

I believe that parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done. Parenting a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder is even harder. It is a type of parenting that others truly can never understand unless they have lived with it themselves. The types of destructive behaviors, the struggle, the frustration, the hurt, and exhaustion often times make parents of RAD children seem awful. We know we look like terrible parents to the outside world, and after time, we discover that we cannot “fix” these broken children, and we feel so guilty.

I remember when my friend was going thru what we are now, and thinking, “Can it really be that bad? Surely not? She just needs to allow herself to love these kids thru it.”

And she did.

But it wasn’t easy. It isn’t easy. Loving them thru it sometimes feels impossible. Will they ever understand the magnitude of the love that we feel for them?

How do you fix a broken child?

You love them. You find them help. You realize that even though a mom is supposed to be able to handle it all, fix everything, sometimes you have to let go.

It took years for us to fight it out and bring them home permanently. We thought we had finally won the long battle.

I realize now, the battle has just begun. Yet today, I feel like I have no fight left in me. Just emotion; raw emotion.

I cannot escape the guilt of feeling relief, that today, I can rest assured that there will be no arguing; no sabotage, no destruction, no praying for bedtime to come so that we can start all over tomorrow.

I cannot escape the thoughts that pound in my head; Is she ok? Did she sleep well? Does she feel abandoned?

I remind myself that I have to trust that He is taking care of her. That He has placed caregivers in her path to help her cope, to help her trust, to help her love, to help her accept love; to help her heal. To trust that He will bring her home to us.

And I remind myself that the best I can do for today is to be here for my other children. I can be strong and help them thru this. Help them heal. Help them grow.

And allow myself to heal.

And hopefully, we’ll all be able to break thru all of this… and break thru beautifully.

 

Broken

There’s a song, “Bring the Rain” by Mercy Me. There was a time when I listened to it on a daily basis. It’s funny how a certain song can just be what you need to get you thru.

Today was not an easy day. First of all, it was a Physical Therapy day for me. They are never easy, but I hear it will all be better if I just hang tough.

It was day two of our radical therapy. The idea is to force an attachment. But how do you force someone to attach to you if they just aren’t that interested? Maybe she is; I honestly just don’t know. After yesterday when she realized her outside socialization had been greatly diminished, I received a letter. I’m choosing to see it as her making a positive change rather than manipulation to get what she wants. And yet, I still didn’t do all I was supposed to. I’m supposed to keep her by my side as much as possible. And I tried…but her shower took forever, and her hair took forever and there was never time for our ten minutes of coloring. Instead there was her doing everything possible to delay spending any more than the necessary amount of time with me.

Reactive Attachment Disorder. **sigh**

It’s funny how you believe you can handle anything….and then realize that perhaps, you can’t. You think you’re prepared…and find out you aren’t.

Parenthood is a lot harder than I could have ever dreamed. My son is sick. He hurts. And no one can figure out why. I think if we could just have a reason, then perhaps we could deal. Perhaps we could find some miracle drug to end his suffering once and for all. But we can’t.

Someone said to me today, “I feel broken…”

Yes.

And I’m a fixer. I like to fix things. And yet I can’t…so I’ll just keep trying, one day at a time, and hopefully, I’ll figure out to break thru…beautifully.

Here’s the song I listen to these days…

How?

How? It’s the beginning of a question.

How can I?

How could you?

How can you?

Then there is why.

Why must we?

Why must you?

Why do you?

Suffering. How? Why?

These are the questions I ask myself this week. I shared with someone earlier that the one thing that I cannot handle is watching my children suffer. And when my family gets hit, it is so hard to rebound.

And yet, my son is suffering. And there is nothing-I-can-do-about-it.

We have seen every specialist. We have tried every medication. For an entire year, he suffered from extreme, excruciating pain. I’ve never seen anything like it.

For a whole year, we finally had him almost back to normal.

And then, this past week, he’s back where he was.

Why? Why must he suffer?

How? How can you allow this to happen?

Reactive Attachment Disorder. Otherwise known as RAD. It happens when a child has been so neglected that they cannot form a bond with anyone. And they target the one who is the closest to them. We have a daughter with RAD. And unless you have lived it, you cannot possibly understand what it is like for them…for the person that they target, and for the family that suffers thru it. The stress is unbearable at times.

Why? Why was this allowed to happen?

These are the things that run thru my head this week. We are about to start something radical; hoping it will change.

I will be journaling and trying to get thru it. Hopefully, it may help someone else. Maybe it will help me as I process.

In the meantime, I will continue to pray, and try not to be too upset with Him. I know that He understands suffering; I just don’t understand why it has to be my son; my daughter; my family.

Lord, help us to break thru…and do it beautifully.

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